Written by @thehappysubmissive with guidance from @ablessedgentleman
To Lead
To Submit
We are going to start here with our most recent Instagram posts. The two posts above were posted on their gender specific pages of which they pertain. They were the same post and worded the same way. We just switched who it was addressed to: the husband or the wife. Although we were already in the process of writing this blog post, we wanted to see if we got any feedback we could address during this section of the series “To Lead & To Submit.”
All said, the posts were received better than expected. We anticipated getting many negative comments on both sides. We are pleased the majority seem to understand working on ourselves and focusing on our own walk with God will turn out the best for us in our marriage. Our post specifically said: “It is not our responsibility to focus on what is not ours to change.” The key word is “focus.” Ephesians 5:22-33 tells us where our focus is to be and it’s not on fixing our spouse. Our focus should be on fixing ourselves through these instructions. Ephesians 5:22-33 is a tool to be used to improve our marriage, not a weapon to be used against our spouse.
There are some Christian women who do not feel this way. They believe it helps to make their husbands vividly aware of all his faults and his lack of leadership. This is not true. This is disrespectful. She is called to show her husband respect even if she disagrees with his behavior. There are ways to address issues without being disrespectful.
As with women, there are also some Christian men who believe this does not apply to them. They believe it is their duty and responsibility to change their wife. This is not true. It is her responsibility to change if she is doing something which is sinful. It is his responsibility to confront the sin with her and to help guide her away from it. There are things he can do to encourage change in her behavior, but he can’t force her to change.
So, let’s break this down. For the purpose of this blog post we are focusing on “The Leader,” AKA the husband. Don’t worry, we are going to get to “The Submissive” next time. Hang in there!
The Role of The Leader
There are several characteristics of the Biblical husband which most Christians agree with, so we aren’t going to go over them in this post much. But just to mention some of them: he is called to protect, to provide financially, to provide spiritual leadership, and to love his wife.
Some characteristics tend to be a little more disputed and/or misunderstood. In addition to the above: he is called to serve her, to know and understand her, to give sacrificial leadership to her, to show her unconditional love and gentleness, and to shield and guide her away from sin. This list is not exhaustive, but not everything can be covered in one post. This is just a basic starting point.
We would like to go over these one at a time.
From this point forward when the word husband, wife, man, or woman is used, we are going to assume that person is a Christian.
Serve Her
The greatest leader to have ever lived is Jesus. Men should be looking at Jesus to find the example of how to be a leader. A husband is told to love his wife as Christ loved the church and how did Christ love the church? He served it! He died for it! He washed His disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17). This is just to name a few of the examples. Therefore, we can be sure a husband should be serving his wife in many different ways. This is not just in the ways the husband deems necessary, but in the ways the wife needs. This means he must get to know her.
Know Her & Understand Her
A husband needs to spend time communicating with his wife and noticing small things about his wife. He should be observant and proactive (very important for any leader). This accomplishes many things all at one time. Just to name a few: it gives him insight on the best ways he can serve her, it not only shows her love but helps her to feel love, and it nurtures the trust she will have for her husband. This not only makes it easier for her to submit to her husband but gives her an uncontrollable urge to submit to her husband.
Sacrificial Leadership
Many men get leadership confused with selfish control. To love his wife as Christ loved the church is completely selfless. This isn’t about setting rules and making demands to feed his selfish ego. This is about leading in a God-honoring and self-sacrificial way. It means cancelling that fishing trip on a Saturday afternoon when she needs him to emotionally provide for her. It means standing firm in a self-controlled manner when she is pushing on boundaries which were set and were meant to protect her. It means taking $50 out of his “new fishing pole fund” to buy her those flowers which will remind her he was thinking of her today. When a husband leads this way, it makes it very hard for her to question his leadership because she knows he is doing it for all the right reasons.
Unconditional Love & Gentleness
We have heard husband’s say punishing her is an example of unconditional love. This isn’t what is meant by unconditional love. This means loving her the same when she is challenging him as when she is kneeling to him. She needs to know he will love her always, not just when she is behaving as he expects. Again, this resembles Christ and the church. We didn’t have to perform any actions or behave a certain way to earn salvation. This was a gift given to us. He died for us, and we definitely don’t deserve it. She needs her husband’s love even when she doesn’t deserve it; especially when she doesn’t deserve it. He is to be gentle with her as he guides her and makes an effort to understand her. This will show her unconditional love (1 Peter 3:7).
Shield and Guide Her Away from Sin
This is about shielding and guiding. This is not about controlling her. This is one of the ways he protects her. He is to shield her from sin no matter where the sin is coming from. He should not allow other people to expose his wife to sinful behavior. This might include avoiding certain venues, asking people to calm their behavior when they are around, or to leave a situation when he feels it is inappropriate for his wife. This means keeping sin out of his life as well. If he is sinning, it will affect her even if she doesn’t know about it. Just as sin separates a man from God, it will also put distance between husband and wife. He should not be passive when it comes to any type of sin in his household. This includes her sin. However, being harsh with her will not result in positive results and he is told this is not the way to treat his wife (Colossians 3:19). He has the responsibility to confront her about the issue and to call on her to refrain from the sinful behavior. If she refuses and is making no effort to change her behavior, it is then his responsibility to find a solution. This never results in abuse. However, it could result in him taking it to the church, counseling, or separating from her until she fixes the issue (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). There is no room for any sort of violence or abuse in a Christian marriage.
Focusing on the Instructions: Ephesians 5:22-33
So, when our Instagram posts said a husband shouldn’t focus on the instructions given to the wife and vice versa, we meant just that. His FOCUS should be on the instructions given to him. She should be focused on hers. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t know and understand one another’s instructions; it just means it shouldn’t be our focus.
It is not the husband’s responsibility to change the wife even if she is sinning. For example, if she isn’t submitting, that will be between her and God. If the husband doesn’t confront the wife in her sin, that is between the husband and God. Don’t get this confused as this is what causes the wars within a marriage, and it isn’t what the Bible calls the husband to do.
We can see this in how it is worded. Pull up Ephesians 5:22-33. Paying careful attention to HOW things are worded in the Bible can tell us clearly what we are supposed to be taking away from it. For example, in this passage, Paul addresses husbands and wives individually and directly. When he says “Husbands…”, he means husbands are to pay attention to this, not the wives. When he says “Wives…”, he means wives pay attention to this, not the husbands. If he wanted both to focus on what he was about to say, then he would have addressed it that way. It is clear he is addressing each spouse separately for a specific purpose. If both spouses take heed to this, then we have a peaceful and God-honoring marriage.
If a husband tries to change his wife by making her submit through some sort of harsh punishment, then he is trying to control her. A husband is told to lead, not to control. This is covered in the previous blog post (To Lead & To Submit- Part 1) as well.
A Controlling Husband Will Not Win
A husband shouldn’t expect a wife new to this to be highly submissive from the beginning. This is especially true if there have already been issues in the marriage and trust broken. Submission should only be anticipated from a minimal level in the beginning. He should nurture her gently in this. As stated, leading her away from sin and keeping his household God-honoring should be his main goal. Everything he expects should be selfless and only for the glory of God, not for his own gain. She will learn trust through this process. It takes time. As she grows in her faith and gains trust in her husband, submission will become easier for her. He should focus on his walk with God and his duties as a husband instead of hers.
A woman struggling with trust due to issues in her past, or a woman who isn’t accustomed to a Christian marriage will fight herself in an effort to become submissive. He should be patient, supportive, and gentle in this.
She must freely give her submission and if he allows this through guiding her selflessly, then she will submit to him in ways he doesn’t even expect. She will surprise him. However, this is a process, and all women are different in their journey. Just like it takes the husband some time to become a great leader, it takes the wife some time to be able to fully submit. The point is to acknowledge her progress, not her failures.
Using religion to get a wife to submit will only result in temporary submission. She will grow to resent the husband and the religion. This is a control tactic used by men. It isn’t biblical. No amount of control will work. It will be an unhappy marriage, she will eventually leave, and maybe even turn her back on Christianity. Make no mistake, a husband will have a lot to answer for to God if he drives his wife away from God. This is not leading. He should be leading her TO God at all times.
So, what is a husband to do?
Too many men believe there are only 2 options: control her or be passive. Biblical husbands are neither controlling nor passive. The third and correct option is LEADING. Leading is what the Bible instructs of the husband. A husband using control or a husband who is being passive are both sinful if they are claiming to be Christians. A wife should not submit to a sinful husband. She should never submit to a husband who is leading her in sin (control) or leading her to sin (passiveness).
There are ways to deal with problems in a marriage without being controlling or passive. There are many options, but just a few examples follow. As stated earlier, if there is a sin issue, he should first confront her with scripture and ask for change. If she makes no effort or refuses, he could seek guidance and counseling for both of them from their church. As a last resort, he might separate from her until she is willing to abolish the sin in her life. This is very rare if she is submitting to a godly husband. Usually, a wife is more than happy to submit to a godly husband.
And, of course, pray and pray some more. If a husband doesn’t pray for his marriage, then he must lack faith in God. A man who believes it is his duty to force his wife into behaving must believe he is more powerful than God. Instead, he should be praying for clarity on how to lead his wife and praying for his wife in her struggles. Many men believe praying is passive; these men lack faith. Praying for change in a marriage is more powerful than any other tactic. It’s not possible for a man to lead in a godly way when he lacks faith.
Praying for changes in his marriage should be for the right reasons. This should never be used for selfish reasons. She will know the difference and God will know the difference. Trying to control a woman NEVER works long term. It isn’t biblical. No good will come of it. This type of man is either twisting scripture for manipulation purposes or he is seriously lost if he believes Christianity teaches anything of the sort.
If This View is Upsetting
There is nothing here which should upset a biblical, loving husband. If any of this just hit the wrong way, untwisted scripture will back up everything said here. Read the Bible Study/Verses at the end of this post very carefully to see only a few verses which support this view. There are many others. We pray it is reviewed carefully, thoughtfully, and prayerfully. It doesn’t matter what country one lives in or what the laws are in that country. This is bigger than that. This works for men. Many men have gone about it the wrong way because they focus too much on what she is supposed to do and not enough on what he is supposed to do. They would get what they wanted if they read the Bible looking for what God wants for their marriage and what they can change about themselves to make it better. Instead, many go in looking for verses which they use against their wife to manipulate her into getting what they want or ones they can twist to justify their own poor behavior. A husband might be able to fool himself, he may be able to fool those around him, and even his wife for a short period of time; God is impossible to fool.
Will the Good Christian Men Please Stand Up?
We beg the good Christian men to call out those who are spreading false information. There is so much of it and many of the good men just ignore it. This is NOT being a leader. A leader needs to say, “No, that is not what Christian men believe.” This is why so many women reject Christianity and why so many men mistreat their wife. They are being led by twisted scripture. This is making it very hard for a good-Christian man to find a good-Christian woman.
Bible Study/Verses
Ephesians 5:25 (KJV): Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Cross reference with Matthew 20:25-28 and John 13:1-17.
Application/Meaning: Notice this is saying husbands to LOVE their wives as Christ loved the church. Many men like to twist this and say, “God punished people and punishment can be done out of love. Think of the flood!” If this was the takeaway of this verse, then it would have said “Love your wives through punishment as the Lord did with the flood.” This is not the meaning of the verse. It can be cross referenced to many other verses to verify this such as being gentle with the wife and understanding her. Cross reference verses Colossians 3:19 and 1 Peter 3:7.
Colossians 3:19 (KJV): Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Application/Meaning: Husbands are to love their wives, not harboring anger. Husbands should lead out of love rather than anger; gently.
1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV): Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
Application/Meaning: A husband should walk through life with his wife honoring her and understanding her limitations and differences. Husbands are to PRAY during difficult times! However, if a husband mistreats his wife, his prayers may be hindered.
Matthew 20:25–28 (ESV): 25 But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, 28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Application/Meaning: Christians are to be servants just as Jesus was a servant. Husbands who think they are too good to serve their wives must believe they are better than Jesus! Only unbelievers would lord authority over another, including the wife.
John 13:1–17 (NIV): 13 It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.
2 The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
8 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
9 “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
Application/Meaning: Jesus washed His followers’ feet. This included Judas, who He knew would betray Him. A husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church will serve his wife even when she doesn’t deserve it!
1 Corinthians 7:10–11 (NKJV): 10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
Application/Meaning: Separations do happen, however that isn’t the end of the marriage. We aren’t to give up.
Deuteronomy 17:19 (NKJV): And it shall be with him, and he shall read it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the LORD his God and be careful to observe all the words of this law and these statutes,
Application/Meaning: Spiritually leading means a husband needs to be relentlessly studying and meditating on the words of the Bible. This should be done all the days of his life, which means his understanding will grow as he learns and understands more. This is why it is important he reads with an open mind to allow God to come into his heart and show him things he may not have noticed before. If a husband is only skimming the Bible looking for verses which support his beliefs and cherry-picking them out, then he has a closed mind and heart. This will inhibit his growth in his walk with the Lord. This makes him an ineffective leader. Some men believe they were born with the gifts of knowledge and discernment. These gifts come and improve with increasing knowledge through study and listening to God. They are gifts given by God, but they still need to be learned, developed, and improved upon. He doesn’t make anybody all-knowing or all-discerning as they exit the womb.
Galatians 5:13 (ESV): For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
Application/Meaning: Remember Christians were given free will to make their own decisions whether they are good or bad decisions. If a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church then she should have the same free will. She may not do things correctly all the time. She will make mistakes. She will learn from all of this. He should guide and forgive, but not allow. This is called grace. This is how Jesus loved.
Wow
We have been stunned by how many men and women have been misled and are spreading false information in the churches and elsewhere. When @thehappysubmissive started an account, it was out of her empathy for men and how they were being disrespected by women. When @ablessedgentleman joined in, it was out of his empathy for wives and how they were being controlled by men. Now, it has turned into a joint effort to clarify scripture as it pertains to a Christian marriage.
This post could have went on for days. About when we thought we were coming to an end, God would show us something else which needed to be said. We have at least 5 more pages of notes which weren’t included in this post, and much more we discussed. I’m sure we will revisit this again.