Words and Their Meanings
In the English language people tend to take words which are related and equate them to mean the same thing. I find this to be especially true when interpreting the Bible. Of course, the Bible wasn’t written in English. There can be differences in the meanings when translating, along with differences in the cultural norms and meanings of words for specific times in history. Then, considering we have English words which mean similar but distinctly different things, this can cause all kinds of chaos and misunderstandings.
I will be the first to admit I am not the one to talk to when it comes to understanding the original languages of the Bible. I follow it when it is explained to me, but I have very little knowledge or understanding of the original languages of Aramaic, Greek, and Hebrew. I think it is extremely important there are people who study this and help those of us who don’t to have a better understanding of the original words and their meanings. I will not be going into much of this area and will leave that up to the scholars who know more than me. However, I encourage everyone to research the original language of specific verses to help with interpretation.
To Lead or To Control
These are 2 words in the English language which people use somewhat interchangeably. While they share some similarities, they are distinctly different. Here are the definitions (Merriam-Webster) based on the focus of a husband and wife relationship:
Lead: transitive verb: to guide on a way especially by going in advance; or to serve as a channel for
Control: transitive verb: to exercise restraining or directing influence over : regulate; or to have power over : rule
Now, I am sure one could go through all of the different definitions of these words to pick and twist some meanings and argue against my point. I am focusing on what I believe the Bible to mean and what the common meanings are of these 2 words.
To lead means to go ahead of someone else. It doesn’t mean to pull them along. It doesn’t mean to push them along. It means to go and show the way. The Bible identifies the husband as the head of the household. This means he is to lead.
To control means to force someone to go or not to go, or to do or not to do, etc. This can refer to forcing through physical acts or through other tactics such as restricting access to needs and/or wants etc. The Bible never tells the husband to control the wife in any way.
Many women confuse leading with controlling. Many men confuse controlling with leading.
Both genders like to use this as an arguing point for them not to do what they are clearly instructed to do in the Bible.
The woman will say, “He is trying to control me by telling me he doesn’t want to me to go out to the bar with my friends on Saturday! I’m a grown adult and I can do whatever I like.”
The man will say, “I am forbidding her to go to the bar on Saturday with her friends because I am the head, and I don’t think it’s wise choice. A bar is not a safe place for my wife to be without me escorting her. If she goes, there will be a punishment!”
So, who is right? Who is wrong?
In my opinion, they are both wrong!
If a husband informs his wife he doesn’t feel comfortable with her doing something, she should not go. She is told to submit to the head. Does this mean she can’t go to the bar with her friends when he doesn’t want her to even if she feels justified in going? Absolutely not. It just means if she is properly submitting, she will figure out a way to resolve the situation whether that means relieving his fears of the situation or deciding it’s best to find an alternative place to spend time with her friends. Personally, when my husband does this, it does not upset me but rather makes me feel loved and protected. This is because my husband doesn’t use this privilege for selfish reasons, and I feel he is looking out for my best interests. In addition, I feel satisfied with knowing I am following the specific instructions given to me as a wife.
It is not leading if the husband demands and forces his wife to stay home even if he has a logical reason. This would be controlling. Does that mean he isn’t justified in not wanting her to go? Absolutely not. It just means he shouldn’t control her into not going. He can show his disappointment and disapproval, but that is about all there is to it if she isn’t willing to submit to his wishes. When talking about the submission of the wife, the Bible is referring to voluntary submission not forced submission.
Then How Does a Husband Lead?
He leads by leading. He goes first. He sets a good example. He makes his wishes known. He shows her he wants the best for her. He loves her. He cares for her. He is gentle with her.
Leading is not the same thing as controlling. Imagine someone walking along at a quick pace down the sidewalk with a second person following along a few steps behind them. As they are walking, the leader advises their follower to keep up and stay right behind them. If they were to go to slow or change directions, they may end up getting hurt. If the second person decides not to take heed and veers off the sidewalk into the street, there isn’t much the leader can do. The second person may have to pay the consequences of their actions in some way. Unfortunately, it may even have negative consequences for the leader even though they didn’t do anything to bring it on themselves. This is leading, not controlling.
The risk of being a leader is putting everything at stake and trusting a follower to do what they should do so no one gets hurt. Just like a submissive, a leader must be vulnerable. This is the side many don’t think about. They mix up the word “leader” with the words “power” and “control.” Quite frankly, it is no where near the same thing. A leader cares about their follower. They are willing to go first. They are willing to clear the path. They are willing to risk their happiness, their safety, and even their life. Jesus is, of course, the ultimate leader and the example leaders are to follow. Think of the pain Jesus endured because He loved. This is what is meant by husbands loving their wives as Christ loved The Church (Ephesians 5:25-33). The focus of this verse isn’t how to discipline the follower when they veer off course, but how to love the follower the correct way so they will naturally and willingly want to follow.
So, here is what I believe:
Q: Is it a husband’s job to enforce boundaries with his wife and/or discipline his wife?
A: Yes and no. I think it’s important as a Christian couple that both spouses establish boundaries and hold each other responsible for their actions or inaction. I don’t believe a husband has to “discipline” his wife. However, if a couple feels having this type of lifestyle works well for both of them, then there is nothing wrong with that either! There are always consequences to our choices one way or another. It is up to each couple how they deal with problems when either spouse crosses a boundary. However, from a biblical perspective, it is the husband’s job to lead which means he should be establishing the boundaries as a whole for his household, and it is the wife’s job to submit to those boundaries. He should be establishing these based on what is best for his wife and his family, not based on his selfish motives.
I know I will get someone who says, “We just respect one another. Therefore, we don’t enforce boundaries.” So, let me just address that right now. EVERYONE enforces boundaries with their spouse in some way. Some do it in a toxic way and some do it in a healthy way, but everyone does it. If someone tries to say they don’t enforce boundaries in their marriage, they are either lying or they aren’t married.
Q: Does a wife have to submit to the husband in whatever he wants because he is the head?
A: Absolutely not, especially if it involves sinning in itself. The wife’s ultimate authority is God. If a husband is asking something of the wife which causes her to sin, she should disobey the husband. No question about it.
Q: If the husband has a logical reason to ask the wife to do something, does she have to do it?
A: She doesn’t HAVE to do anything. But, as given in the example of the leader and follower, she may have consequences for her actions whether in this life or the next. If a husband is NOT asking her to do something sinful, she is instructed to submit whether she agrees or not.
A Wife is NOT a Child
So, to clarify: a wife is not a child. The Bible never instructs the husband to treat the wife in such a way. The takeaway from the Bible is the wife should feel loved and the husband should feel respected. That’s the part we have figure out and it is different for EVERY couple.
Have I Managed to Upset Both Genders?
I figure if I have, maybe I’m doing something right. I always told my children, I wasn’t their friend; I was their mother. I was doing something wrong if they never got upset with me. I feel the same way about this. I’m not here to make friends. I am here to tick off the devil. I am here to be God’s servant. I am here to help others understand what I didn’t at one time. I wish I had understood it before I had ever married. It’s all about both partners being selfless. I understand putting oneself aside for someone else is scary and seems unnatural. It is scary. However, I don’t think it’s completely unnatural. I think we were created to choose to be selfless. I think this is especially true in marriage. We can see this told to us over and over all throughout the Bible. I think through our sins (including The Fall) and struggles, we learn to be selfish to protect ourselves. It is our sinful nature which causes us to be selfish. God gave us another choice. The Bible tells us to be selfless. I can attest, once both partners do this, then wonderful things happen. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
Conclusion
To lead means to go first… just as the Bible speaks of the husband being the head. When we think of any of God’s creations which don’t walk upright, the head goes first and the rest of the body follows. The dog’s head does not drag along the tail, and the tail does not fight to escape the head. They work in unison. The head leads, and the tail follows.
To lead is to simply go first. To submit is to simply follow. No one can or should force anyone to lead in a marriage. And, no one can or should force anyone to submit in a marriage. In order to make marriage work as God intended, we each need to pay attention to what is instructed of our roles individually and concentrate on those things. Neither spouse should be focused on what is instructed of the other. What is instructed of the husband is between the husband and God. What is instructed of the wife is between the wife and God. It is not our responsibility to focus on what is not ours to change. We can encourage our spouse, we can bring attention to biblical issues and how they relate to our marriage, and we can pray for change. However, we can not force our spouse to do anything they are not willing to do. It just doesn’t work out and it is not biblical in any way. Everything we do has to be what we personally decide to do whether it is out of reverence for God, out of love and respect for our spouse, or both.
I did focus more on the leader than the submissive in this post because there is more confusion about it and the submissive just has to follow. So, how he leads is the bigger picture.
To be continued…
This is such an in-depth topic; I can’t cover it all in one post. I will continue this subject next time.
Bible Verses/Study
The following are just a few of the verses supporting my views on this subject. I hope many find them to be helpful in navigating this complicated subject. I encourage breaking these down, cross referencing, researching the original biblical language, and researching the cultural context of these verses to get a better understanding.
Verse Clarifications
Colossians 3:19 (KJV): Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Application/Meaning: This verse has one of those translation issues I was talking about earlier. The word “love” is very vague compared to the original biblical word used which was the word “agape.” Agape love means sacrificial, selfless love. The word “bitter” was translated from the word “pikrainesthe” which means frustrated, irritated, bitter etc. When read this way, it’s easier to see husbands were being told how to be caring and loving toward their wives rather than telling them how to punish or get their wives to do as they were told.
1 Corinthians 11:3 (ESV): But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
Application/Meaning: This is the biblical order. It’s what makes things work. The word “head” is important as this means to lead, not to push.
Ephesians 5:33 (KJV): Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Application/Meaning: This one is mostly self explanatory. However, I would like to note that the KJV uses the word “reverence” while other versions use the word “respect.” The word reverence is a closer translation to the original biblical word “phobeomai” which can mean “to be in awe.” Reverence is a deep form of respect. We might want to respect many people in our lives, but we should only revere our God and our husband. It borders closely to idolization in my opinion and we have to walk very carefully with that.
Ephesians 5:22–24 (NIV): 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Application/Meaning: These verses are talking to the wives, not to the husbands. It never tells the husbands to make sure their wives are submitting. It is telling the wives what they need to do. Be careful not to add or take away from scripture.
Ephesians 5:25–33 (KJV): 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Application/Meaning: This is much of a repeat of the above points. The main thing here is to point out, this passage is 9 verses long. Only half of a verse is dedicated to the wife. Out of 9 verses, most everyone zooms in on this half of a verse. Men, notice most of this is about what you need to do, not what you need to make your wife do. Women, notice the Bible is not sexist with rules only for you. It is a guide as to how to have a successful marriage. It’s not all of these “don’t” rules. It’s more about “do” instructions to help us be happy in our marriages and our lives the way God intended. It’s up to us whether we choose to take heed or not.
To be continued in “Part 2-The Leader” soon!
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