Written by @thehappysubmissive with guidance from @ablessedgentleman
To Submit
Submission should be easy; all a wife must do is follow. That would be true if there wasn’t free will. It would be easy if the wife had never been hurt by anyone. It would be a breeze if culture hadn’t been training her for her entire life to fear turning any power over to a man.
Submission is not easy. Submission is a choice which must be made repeatedly. Submission is something which goes against the self-preservation nature of the wife. It is difficult to understand, and even harder to fully achieve. It is something which a wife will continually work on. Yet, submission can also be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling accomplishments in a wife’s life when she is able to fully settle into her role.
The Role of the Submissive
Many believe the role of the submissive is just to do whatever the husband says. Obviously, this is very contested view. This view is also not accurate when looking at it from a Christian aspect. This would leave women open to just about anything good or bad. If we read the Bible in context, we can see there is a lot more to this than that. Being submissive is directly tied to the husband’s leadership which is covered in the previous 2 blog posts. Please read those first for a full understanding of how submission relates the leadership of the husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33 should also be read with commentary if it isn’t familiar. Most of this passage is about the husband as he is the leader. The wife is told to submit to the husband and reverence (KJV highly respect) her husband; the rest of the passage is for the husband. This is just one passage of many which give instructions to the husband in the Bible. The way this is written, we can be sure the wife is to be submissive only to a husband who is leading the way which is detailed out. A wife should never submit to a husband who is leading her to sin or in sin. The wife’s ultimate authority is God, not the husband. She would be sinning against God if she followed a husband into sin. However, she should always respect/reverence her husband.
That all being clarified, from here forward we are assuming the wife is following a husband who is following God as instructed in the Bible. So, what does Christian submission involve? She should serve him, nurture & comfort him, sacrificially love him, have faith in him, and reverence him. This list is not exhaustive and is focused on her role as a wife although she has other roles.
Serve Him
Our marriages are to resemble Christ and the church. Wives should be serving their husbands the same way they should serve Christ. This would be selflessly, with awe. This shouldn’t be done to receive something from the husband. This doesn’t mean a wife should look to her husband as her God. He isn’t God and could never fulfill that role. It does mean she should serve him selflessly with nothing expected in return. Think of the way the sinful woman served Jesus shortly before his death in Luke 7:37-38. She surely would have felt unworthy to even be in His presence. Yet, she anointed Him with perfume, cried tears on His feet, and dried them with her hair. This would have been very questionable for her to do in the culture of the time. She was a sinner in the presence of Jesus and a Pharisee, with her hair down (not allowed for women in that culture), and she was weeping on Jesus’ feet! However, nothing was going to stop her from selflessly serving Jesus in that moment. This type selfless serving is the way a wife should be serving her husband.
Nurture & Comfort Him
A wife should make sure he has all he needs. It is her job to make sure she utilizes the things he provides the most efficient way for the household. This includes making sure he has healthy meals, and the home is up-kept and clean. Nurturing him includes sex and love. This isn’t just to be provided when she needs or wants it. It should be provided when he needs and wants it. He should have physical access to her body even if it doesn’t include sex. Sometimes a husband needs to feel his wife’s body. This is a form of intimacy to feel the bond of their two bodies without any restrictions. Many husbands need to feel he has ownership over his wife’s body. This isn’t about control of her. This is about intimacy. Sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing. However, sex encourages intimacy. Sex should never be withheld from a husband out of any sort of punishment or manipulation. There are times which are acceptable to sustain from sex such as illness, injury, or when spiritual healing is needed through prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). It is never acceptable for a wife to withhold sex from her husband as a bargaining tool.
A wife should comfort her husband. She should be able to anticipate his needs by getting to know her husband. For example, what relaxes him when he has had a rough day at work? She needs to know, and she needs to be available for comfort during these times. A wife should make sure the husband is comfortable in his own home. This is especially true for the traditional household where the husband works outside the home and the wife works inside the home. The husband can start to feel like an intruder in his own home if she doesn’t work at making him comfortable. He should never feel like he is unwanted in his home. She should put aside her work when he gets home. She should spend this time showing him she missed him, and she is glad to see him.
Sacrificially Love Him
A wife should love her husband regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. We wouldn’t quit loving Christ because we are questioning his decisions; so, a wife shouldn’t quit loving her husband just because she doesn’t understand some of his decisions. In addition, she shouldn’t quit showing him love just because she is upset. This is a selfless love; it isn’t dependent upon his decisions, his behavior, or what he is able to provide. Even if she doesn’t feel he is returning the love, she should still love him. She should be willing to risk getting hurt in the process. This is agape love.
Have Faith in Him
He needs to know she believes in him. Nagging him and questioning his decisions show him she doesn’t have faith in him. Sometimes we don’t understand the path God leads us down, but we should have faith it will work out for greater good. If the husband is following God, the wife should not question his leadership. Even if it seems like the wrong choice in the moment, there may be a bigger picture. And if it was a wrong choice, she needs to have faith in God it will all work out. This doesn’t mean she shouldn’t voice her concerns, but it means he gets the final decision assuming it doesn’t go against scripture. She should always let him respectfully know she trusts his decision-making capabilities even when she has doubts. He will do more than she ever expected when she has full faith in him. When a wife believes in her husband and believes he will do the best for her, he will step up to that challenge. If she has no faith in him and believes the worst in him, he will have nothing to strive for. Just as a believer should depend on Jesus, a wife should depend on her husband. When he knows his wife counts on him, he will thrive on her faith in him.
Reverence Him (Ephesians 5:33)
The word reverence is an important distinction in the King James version. Many versions change this word to respect; but reverence is a deep respect. It is to be in awe. The wife should make sure the husband feels he is reverenced. Even more so, she needs to reverence him. She is told to reverence him. The actions follow the feeling easily; but sometimes the actions will bring on the feeling. Both the actions and the feeling are significant. If she shows it but doesn’t feel it, it falls flat. If she feels it but doesn’t show it in the ways he needs, it falls flat. So, it is also necessary a wife shows this in ways the husband needs, not just the ways she feels should show it. The wife needs to be aware of the various ways her husband feels respect.
A wife should always show her husband respect even in his sin. This will work out best for her. This is not the same thing as submitting to him in his sin. Sometimes, respect may mean walking away rather than saying the first thing which pops into her mind (Titus 3:2). It might mean not taking the bait when he is trying to get a reaction from her. Even when he isn’t doing the right thing for the marriage, she still can. It is very hard to take back words once they are said. There is a far-reaching impact on a husband when his wife uses words to tear him down, even if it is said in the heat of the moment. She should see this self-control as being obedient to God. God knew what he was doing when he called on the wife to respect her husband. This is unconditional respect. He needs his wife’s respect even when he doesn’t deserve it; especially when he doesn’t deserve it.
Focusing on the Instructions: Ephesians 5:22-33
The wife’s focus should not be on the instructions given to the husband; her focus should be on her instructions. She should be aware of what his instructions are in case he is not following God and leading her into sin. This helps her to discern whether she should be following him or not. This is where many wives get confused. They feel they are being told to follow their husband regardless of his leadership. They believe they are being told to deal with abuse, bringing them into sin, etc. This is just not true at all. However, if he is following God, this wouldn’t be an issue. Therefore, she is told to submit to her husband in everything. This is also submitting to God.
It is not the wife’s job to change the husband even if he is sinning. It is just her responsibility to make sure she isn’t sinning due his sin. This means she should not submit to him if he is asking her to sin or if he is asking for her submission while he is leading in sin (for example, abusive behavior). His sin will be between him and God. However, it is between her and God if she sins because she follows him into sin. Spouses create wars within marriage when they try to force change in one another. This isn’t what the Bible calls the wife to do.
We can see this in how it is worded. Pull up Ephesians 5:22-33. Paying careful attention to HOW things are worded in the Bible can tell us clearly what we are supposed to be taking away from it. For example, in this passage, Paul addresses husbands and wives individually and directly. When he says “Husbands…”, he means husbands are to pay attention to this, not the wives. When he says “Wives…”, he means wives pay attention to this, not the husbands. If he wanted both to focus on what he was about to say, then he would have addressed it that way. It is clear he is addressing each spouse separately for a specific purpose. If both spouses take heed to this, then we have a peaceful and God-honoring marriage.
If a wife tries to force her husband to change through nagging him, then she is trying to be the leader. This is not her position. A wife is told to follow, not to lead. This is also covered in a previous blog post (To Lead & To Submit-Part 1).
A Nagging Wife Will Not Win
A wife shouldn’t expect the husband to be a leader who never makes a mistake. There is a lot of responsibility and pressure on a husband, and she needs to provide him with grace. Even though a wife should be in awe of her husband, it is important to remember he is not God. A husband who is new to marriage or even the Christian leadership role will make many mistakes. The more faith she puts in him, the more confident he will become. The more confident he becomes, the better leader he will be.
A good leader will beat himself up over his mistakes enough, he doesn’t need his wife doing it too. One of the worst things a wife can do to her husband is to make him feel like he failed her. She needs to support him during this time and let him know she hasn’t lost faith in him. He will learn from his mistakes. The wife does not need to nag or to complain about his failures. It is important she acknowledges his progress, not his mistakes.
If a wife tries to gripe and criticize her way into having a better husband, she will massively fail. It won’t work. It will create an unhappy marriage. This behavior will create an emasculated man who just quits trying. This isn’t biblical. He will eventually give up and all the responsibilities will be left to her (like many marriages we currently see), or he will leave the marriage. If she uses religion to nag him about his failures, he could turn his back on Christianity. Make no mistake, a wife will have much to answer for to God if she creates an environment which drives her husband away from God. She should be a force which makes him feel closer to God, not more distant.
So, what is a wife to do?
Too many women believe she either must submit to her husband even when he is leading her to sin or in sin, or she needs to take the reins and become the leader. This is not the case. Both options are sinful. She should never sin against God even if her husband is calling her to; and it is not her job to lead even if her husband isn’t. The first option is passive, and the other option is aggressive. The third (and correct) option is to be assertive.
There are always ways to deal with issues in a marriage without being passive or aggressive. A wife should be assertive. For example, if there is a sin issue, she does have the right to have a conversation with her husband and to confront him with scripture. As Christians, we are to hold each other accountable. This isn’t just for the leaders. If he makes no effort or refuses to change, she could take it to the church for spiritual guidance and/or counseling. As a last resort, she may need to separate from her husband until he is willing to change his sinful behavior. A biblical husband isn’t likely to be unwilling to change sinful behavior. Therefore, she should carefully evaluate whether his behavior is sinful or is it just something she disagrees with.
A wife should always pray for her husband in every way in good and bad times. This is the most powerful tool a wife has in her marriage. A wife who doesn’t pray for her husband lacks faith in God’s ability to work wonders in her marriage. A wife who lacks faith in God will also lack faith in her husband. She should be praying for ways she can show her husband she believes in him and his leadership. A wife should also be praying for her husband in his struggles. Praying for changes in her marriage should be done for the right reasons. This should be selfless praying. A husband will know the difference and God will know the difference.
If This View is Upsetting
There is nothing here which should upset a Christian woman. If any of this hit a nerve, untwisted scripture will back up everything said here. Read the Bible Study/Verses at the end of this post very carefully to see only a few verses which support this view. There are many others. We pray it is reviewed carefully, thoughtfully, and prayerfully. It doesn’t matter what country one lives in or what the laws are in that country This is bigger than that. The Bible told women how to live, how to submit, and how to get what they need. Many women have gone about it the wrong way because they focus too much on what the husband should be doing instead of what she should be doing. Wives would get everything they need if they read the Bible looking at what God wants for marriage and what they can change about themselves to make the marriage better. Instead, they go in looking for verses they can use against their husbands to demean him. A wife needs to build her husband up, not tear him down.
Will the Good Christian Women Please Stand Firm
Many women in today’s culture are being bullied if they choose to submit to their husband. A wife needs to ask herself who she is going to submit to. To submit to her husband is to submit to God. Is she going to submit to God? Or is she going to submit to the world? She is going to submit to one or the other. We need more wives to own their submissive role. They need to show their lives as an example of what life could be for women who have been misled and lost. Women have been brainwashed and bullied into rejecting their God-given roles in life. It has created an upside-down and depressed world. Women can show the light to others just by being who God created them to be and displaying that example to others.
Bible Study/Verses
Luke 7:37–38 (ESV): 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment.
Application/Meaning: This woman, who was a sinner, put herself in a situation to be ridiculed. She came in uninvited not caring who thought poorly of her. It was worth it to her to be able to serve Jesus and to be near Him. She anointed Him with perfume, weeping tears upon His feet, and then dried the tears with her hair. A woman was not permitted to have her hair loose in this culture. However, no cultural rules or standards were going to keep her from doing exactly what she felt called to do to serve Jesus. She didn’t care how others might feel or what others might say. This is how a wife should be serving and loving her husband. This woman was sacrificially loving Jesus. She was comforting Him and nurturing Him shortly before His death. She had faith He wouldn’t reject her even though she was a sinner. She was reverencing Jesus as she served Him at His feet. She is a wonderful example of how a wife should treat her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (KJV): Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Application/Meaning: The King James version uses the word “reverence” rather than “respect.” It should be important to keep in mind we can respect many people in our lives, but reverence is reserved for a very few. This is deep respect and awe. A wife should be in awe of her husband. She should not put him above God, but he should be reverenced in a similar way.
Titus 3:2 (ESV): to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.
Application/Meaning: Be courteous to ALL people. A wife is to reverence her husband. This means he should be treated even better than others. Therefore, she should hold her tongue, avoid quarreling, and always be courteous with him.
Luke 10:38–42 (NIV): 38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Application/Meaning: Jesus was teaching Mary while Martha was busy with work. Even though there was much important work for Martha to do, Jesus clarified Mary was the one who had her priorities in order. A wife should be a hard worker, but there is time to put her work aside. For example, she should make daily time for worship, and she should make daily time to spend with her husband. The work can wait.
Matthew 5:14–16 (NKJV): 14 “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.
Application/Meaning: A wife can display her goodness and submissiveness by just being herself. She will put off light. She shouldn’t be ashamed to shine. Her contentment and happiness will be enough for others to wonder how to get what she has. She can be the example which brings others to the Lord.
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV): Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Application/Meaning: A wife should never talk poorly about her husband to anyone, and she should make sure he hears her praise him to others. She should thank him for his hard work, and she should tell him she is proud of him. She should always build him up.
1 John 2:15–17 (NLT): 15 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. 16 For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. 17 And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.
Application/Meaning: Many wives are busy caving to the world. They are busy selfishly working for money, success, and materialistic pleasures. Yet, they still lack so many things they need. They will have nothing and will leave nothing of any importance when they leave this world. However, a woman who chooses to live by submitting to her husband and to God will live a fulfilled life and will inherit His kingdom.
Proverbs 31:26 (KJV): She openeth her mouth with wisdom; And in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Application/Meaning: This can be applied to how a wife should speak to her husband during disagreements. She should watch her mouth during conflict as this is when disrespect can quickly surface.
James 5:19–20 (NIV): 19 My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, 20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
Application/Meaning: A wife should confront her husband in his sin, just as he should her. This isn’t about leadership or submissiveness. This is about being brothers and sisters in Christ and holding each other accountable. We need to keep each other on the good path.
Galatians 6:1–2 (NIV): 6 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Application/Meaning: A wife should gently help her husband through sinful behaviors by addressing these issues with scripture. Two Christians should be able to work through any issues by reaching for scripture and praying together. This is not an excuse for a wife to sin with her husband; it is a responsibility to help bring him out of sin. Again, this is about being brothers and sisters in Christ.
1 Corinthians 7:5 (KJV): Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Application/Meaning: A wife should never withhold sex from her husband as a form of punishment. This goes both ways. However, it seems a wife is more apt to do such a thing. This is not acceptable in any way. There are reasons why sex would be put on hold, such as a medical issue or for spiritual maintenance. This is different from withholding because a wife is upset or not in the mood.
1 Corinthians 7:4 (NKJV): The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Application/Meaning: This also goes both ways. The husband and wife are one flesh. They belong to one another. A wife’s body belongs to him. Therefore, she shouldn’t withhold it from him in any way. He should be able to touch her, look at her, and care for her without feeling as though he doesn’t have that authority. He does.
Proverbs 31:10–12 (NLT): 10 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. 11 Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Application/Meaning: A wife should always strive to be of good character and always striving to please God. This is a rare find and sets her apart from women of the world. She would never give her husband a reason to doubt her integrity. He can trust her with his life. She will help to fulfill his life by always doing the best for him. It will be her pleasure to make his life more enjoyable. A wife should work to take as much stress as possible off her husband. She is his helper.
To Lead & To Submit- Part 4: The Dance is coming soon.